I’m scared that by being me, by having ataxia and having a hard time finding a job, and by relying on other people, that I not only embarrass myself, but I am embarrassing to my friends and maybe my family. People not only look at me and wonder what I have been drinking, but they look at the people helping me. I’m sure they are just wondering why they are bothering with me.
See, no one thinks of this stuff. No one, not even the people closest to me understands what it is like. No one realizes how depressing it is to be me. I try to be positive. I have to. Without a positive outlook, what do I have? I have to know how to laugh at myself. My laughter hides my tears a lot of time.
Chelsea,
ReplyDeleteYou are not an embarrassment to me or to anyone who cares about you and loves you for who you are. I DO know your feelings----I had to quit my job because I couldn't keep my eyes open without holding them open and you can't use the computer that way. I couldn't drive or even walk without tripping over nothing. When we went to the beach I couldn't walk on the beach because the breeze irritated my eyes so I couldn't keep them open.I always had to sit so that I wasn't facing a window because I couldn't stand the glare.I got so bad I didn't want to go anywhere because it was too embarrassing and I felt just as you do about people including those close to me! I even taped my eyes open and that was terrible.Fighting to keep my eyes from spasming was so tiring-----I wanted to rest a lot. Even watching TV was such a chore because I had to hold at least one eye open all the time. Anyway---just let those who love you help you and really others aren't paying as much attention as you might feel and they don't matter. Use the walker or cane in stores --that will give you more confidence. I pray every day that you will be healed as much as I have been.My eyes improved 95% but now I have the breathing spasms ----sometimes you just can't win totally!!!
Love you so very much!!!!!------Grandma
What you Are -
ReplyDeleteMy best friend, loving, caring, honest, real, funny, intellegent, goofy, beautiful, you.
What You Are Not -
An embaressment.
Chelsea, this made me cry. I love you with all my heart & most definitely am NEVER embarassed of you. I don't care if I have to carry you on my back. Anybody that would be embarassed of you is not worth worrying about or a true friend. I know you don't think anyone understands... and you are right about most people anyway. However, I think you are forgetting someone important... ME! :-) I definitely don't know what it feels like to have ataxia & not have proper control on my body, BUT I most definitely am very aware of your emotions and what is hidden behind your laughs, especially when we go out places. And even though you never ever told me these things before.. I know anyway because you've been one of my bestest friends for a long time. And I see those people your talking about.. but you know what? I guarantee that they don't all think what you think they do. Some people are just too curious is all.. you intrigue them and they can't look away. (They do the same thing to my mom, now that she walks poorly.) And secretly I want to tear all their eyes out for you, because I can sense it hurts you. (It hurts me too..)
ReplyDeleteAnd just remember that what they should be thinking when they see your friends/family helping you is "Wow, that girl always has someone faithfully helping her. She must be an amazingly kind & beautiful woman." (PS: they would be right..don't forget)
love you.. miss you too
Aww, now I am teary. Love you guys <3
ReplyDelete