LET ME DO IT!

Alright, I'm not in a good mood.... as you'll be able to tell from reading this.
The more people tell me that I can't do something, the more I'll believe it and won't be able to do it.
If I say I can do something, LET ME DO IT! Don't insist on helping me and then not listening to me when I say something.
I might have balance problems, but that doesn't mean I can't do anything on my own. I want to be able to do things by myself. Let me at least try, and if I need help, then I'll ask.
I'm just frusrated with the fact that there are some people out there who, no matter how much I offer to do something alone, insist on helping me or taking over and doing it themselves. Then they complain that since they are doing that, they don't have time to get other stuff done. I OFFERED TO DO IT BY MYSELF SO LET ME! I am able and I know how... my balance does not affect my intelligence!!! So, don't ask me a million times if I know how to do something as simple as putting a collar on a dog.
I'm not mindless, and I CAN DO THINGS!!!!!!!!!!
GRRRRR........

On a plus note, it's sunny and maybe I can get out to walk soon.

Laugh

I dont want anyone to think I was trying to put down Brandon. I was giving an example to show that not everyone knows how to act or what to do when something like that happens. Sometimes he handles things great, and others, well, he makes me feel worse. He's not the only one though. No matter how much my friends and family, and I have really great people in my life, no matter how much they think that they will always handle a situation well, there are going to be times, and have been times, when someone is going to make me feel worse.
I LOVE Brandon with all my heart, and I LOVE my family and friends so much it is unreal. It's amazing to me that one person can have such a huge support
system.
My point is, unless I fall and am crying because I am really hurt, I tend to laugh it off so I don't feel so dumb and embarrassed. Laugh WITH me. Not at me, and not if I am hurting, lol, but with me.

I haven't really had much on my ataxia to write about lately. I have no recent falls, nothing to say. Well, yesterday, Brandon and I went to books-a-million (the best store EVER) and then we went to target. I was looking at their swim suits when I rolled my ankle. I was pushing the buggy so I had something to hold onto, but my ankle didn't want to hold me up no matter how hard I gripped the buggy, and I more or less ended up sitting down. I think when things like this happen, and result in me sitting on the floor in a store, it embarrasses Brandon. His reaction is almost like "oh no, not again" and he hurriedly tries to get me off of the floor, all the while looking around to see if anyone is watching.
It's not like I intentionally fall in stores. You'd think he almost blames me when I draw attention. I sit there, on the floor, in pain, and he is rushing me to get up. All I am concerned about at the time is making sure my ankle stops so that I CAN get up. I don't need his attitude... I need him to laugh with me so that I don't feel so stupid.

I recently told you that I got a walker. As my Dad calls it, he bought me a new "sports car". It's a real pretty blue, on 4 wheels, with a bench, basket, and handbrakes! If it had pedals, I'd consider it looking like a bicycle, with the exception of it's length. I'll post pics of it soon =)

Saturday, I went to the Pittsburgh Penguin game with my Dad, Scott, and Janel. I had left my handicap parking thing in Brandon's truck, so we ended up having to park about a half mile away. It was an uphill walk - both ways!! No, just kidding, it only felt like it. It was up hill on the way to the arena and down on the way to the car. So, basically, I walked a mile to and from our seats. Well... I was drug a ways, lol. My legs got tired and my feet started dragging.

Sunday, Brandon picked me up and we went to Walmart (Wally World), and then dropped me back off at Dad's to pick up my car. Brandon and Dad put my walker together, and that night, Brandon and I went to the cemetary to walk. He told me that 3.5 laps around the pond was a mile, and, well, I made it 1 lap =) Hey, it's better than nothing. I got the pretty pictures that I posted on here too! When we were leasving, we chased a beaver but he was camera shy. I want a pic of one!

Monday, my legs hurt soooooooo bad!!!

We went to the cemetary again today and I did a lap. WooHoo! It feels good to be able to go walk, even if it is in a big circle =)

And I do get embarrassed there. At first, I was hesitant to walk because I was worried other people might show up, but I am starting to believe that I am embarrassed by looking so weak infront of Brandon.

When we got back tonight, he cooked me dinner while I played with Lulu and then gave her a bath.

Myself

I’m scared that by being me, by having ataxia and having a hard time finding a job, and by relying on other people, that I not only embarrass myself, but I am embarrassing to my friends and maybe my family. People not only look at me and wonder what I have been drinking, but they look at the people helping me. I’m sure they are just wondering why they are bothering with me.
See, no one thinks of this stuff. No one, not even the people closest to me understands what it is like. No one realizes how depressing it is to be me. I try to be positive. I have to. Without a positive outlook, what do I have? I have to know how to laugh at myself. My laughter hides my tears a lot of time.

Sorr y I haven't written lately. I have had a bad few days... personal problems. I'll write soon. I promise. I would now but I am doing a bit of Spring cleaning and I want to get done.

2001-2006 (in summary)

I was 15 in 2001. It was about a month before school started. I was going to be a sophomore. I mysteriously ended up with mono. (Yes it was mysterious, because even though they call mono the kissing disease, I had not kissed anyone, and I have no idea how I got it, but I had it bad). This might have been the cause of my ataxia. That’s what one of my past neurologists said anyway.
Haha. Funny story that doesn’t have a lot to do with anything, but I don’t want to bore you with my blabber all the time, so I’ll tell you. When I had mono, my Dad, Steve, and Step-Mom, Nancy, were re-doing the kitchen, so we had boxes of stuff, including the microwave, in the living room. I had woken up in the middle of the day hungry. Everyone was at work and I had a cheeseburger from Wendy’s in the fridge. They don’t do it anymore, but at the time Wendy’s wrapped their sandwiches in foil wrappers. See where this is going? I wasn’t thinking and put the cheeseburger in the microwave while it was still in the wrapper. Fire! Haha. It scared me to death! On the plus side, I realized what I had done before it was in there long and it only burnt a hole through the wrapper.
2001 was so fun for me, NOT! I don’t remember having mono anymore, but it was maybe a week before school started and I was at my Dad’s alone, and I had a new inhaler. You’ve probably seen the commercials for it. It’s a purple disk, Advair. Anyway, it’s full of steroids. Wondering why this matters? I used the inhaler and it put me on the floor in the living room, unable to move without my chest killing me with pain. My mom was the only one I could get a hold of, 20 minutes away, and she rushed there and found me in the same spot on the floor gasping for breath. Needless to say that I was taken to the ER where they found out I had a heart problem. Heart problems and steroids don’t mix.
They thought I had WPW, Wolf Parkinson White, which is an extra nerve or something in the heart and blah blah. They did a heart catheterization with the intentions of getting rid of the extra nerve and "fixing" me. In order to do this, I was of course out of it with anesthetic; they had to get my heart to race like it does when I have chest pains. Two or three times they had my heart racing to the point where they couldn’t get it to slow down and they had to use the paddles on me. And then, as if not fixing me wasn’t bad enough, I threw up all night and was in bed for a week because I had such a hard time coming out of the anesthesia. I couldn’t even open my eyes until the next day.
So they finally found out I have left ventricle hypertrophy and I went through all that crap for nothing. (I swear I was having anxiety attacks that caused this) I think they can fix this. I have heard something about alcohol burning the excess muscle or something.

Back to my ataxia. I don’t even remember when it started. I went to all of my high school homecomings and proms, in high heels I might add! I just thought I sucked at walking in heels. I think that was my problem my freshman, sophomore, and maybe my junior year. Senior year I knew something was wrong because I was scared of the steps and nervous about falling all the time, not just when I wore heels. I made it through graduation in heels without any incidents! I was so proud of myself! I graduated from high school in May 2004.
In September of 2004, I started at a technical college to obtain my degree in Business Management (even though writing and photography are my passions). This is where I met my best friend, Bill. I met a lot of great people.
I had to teach myself how to play euchre though because everyone played and no one would teach. I turned out to be a pretty great euchre player, if I do say so myself.
I graduated in 2006 with my associates in business management.
In 2005 I went to the beach with one of my best friends from high school and two new friends. This was the place of my first and last hangover, and the place where I realized that it’s easy to fall for a jerk if you are at the beach. Haha. I made new friends, and new memories, and I can tell you that I fell coming out of out hotel one night on our way to a club, and a ton of people saw my underwear (I was wearing a skirt). I learned that I can’t go into the ocean past my ankles or I’ll never get out. With my balance messed up, I went out to my waist and had the hardest time getting back in. We’ll just say that I drank a lot of water and spent the rest of my time in a chair at the waters edge.
Up until 2005 or 2006, everything was bearable. I got around pretty good and I was able to work at a retail store. I had a normal life. I went out with friends and even though I have only drank a few times; I am good at acting stupid, so I got along with drunks good. I just never expected to one day walk like I am drunk most of the time too.

Flip flops make me happy =)

I always answer my comments, but I decided that I should make my responses into posts, so then everyone can see and relate…. For those who don’t pay attention =)

I had a comment about a week ago from another fellow ataxian who told me that she was jealous of me for being able to wear flip flops, because she has never been able to.

I have been dealing with my walking since I was about 15 or 16.… that’s when I gradually started to notice it. Well, I didn’t wear flip flops until I was about 18. I was never quite sure that I could do it… and I never could, in some brands. The ONLY flip flops I have found that are comfy for me and I can keep on my feet most of the time, are Old Navy’s. They are cheap and come in tons of colors.
I still trip in them, I have many scars from falling in them, and not to mention embarrassing stories from them, but all of that happens in tennis shoes too. My parents and other family members and close people get worried and yell at me for wearing them, but they are cute and casual and I hate socks and shoes so I LOVE wearing them.
Here is my Dad’s favorite line to say when I trip in them, “Well, if you had shoes on…” Well nothing Dad, although I might trip a little more in flip flops, I trip in tennis shoes too. I am sure that a time will come when flip flops are not an option, and until then, I want to take advantage of wearing them.
You should see my tennis shoes, haha. After having shoes a month or so, no matter how hard I try not to, I kick the ground with my toes and totally scuff up the front of my shoes. That says something! I never scuff my toes in flip flops…. Well, sometimes.

God doesn't give us more than we can handle

Do you believe in reincarnation?

I think I do, which might explain why I have been stuck with ataxia. Maybe, I was a bad person in a past life, and this is my punishment. Or, maybe, I was terribly vain in my last life, and God decided that I needed a lesson taught to me to lower my self-esteem.

You know what I really think though? I think that God doesn't give you anything that you cannot handle. I think he placed this upon me to teach me to be strong. Maybe I am meant to do something great with this minor setback in my life. Maybe this blog thing will really take off and raise awareness and help other people like me to realize that they are not the only ones. That is something that helps me get through... I think about how other people out there share my thoughts and insecurities. If I write them, and they read them, they'll know they aren't alone, and it will be worth it =)

Active Childhood

Let’s jump back in time. When I was little, I took tumbling and ballet. Those were short lived activities, but my point is that I could do them. Anyway, I moved on to Tae Kwon Do. I was actually so good, that the instructor used me as an example all the time. I was only a yellow belt though. I got scared to test in front of everyone for my orange belt and so I quit. Also, I didn’t like sparring. I got punched in the stomach once and knocked the wind out of me and I had no intentions of the happening again.
After Tae Kwon Do, I was in a softball league for two years. I was pretty good. My first year playing, the whole team used my bat because they thought it was lucky. I usually played outfield, but occasionally I played third base and/or short stop.
Fast forward now to 7th grade when I was 12 years old. I went out for the basketball team with my best friend, Amanda. I will honestly say that although I am 5’8, I was not a very good basketball player, but I made the team! I had the height for rebounds and defense, but other than that and a couple of game-winning foul shots, I didn’t help the team much and I hardly played. These basketball memories are important though because this is when I started getting chest pains. I never got them during a game. It was usually during the end of practice, when the boy’s team started showing up for their practice. Coincidence? Looking back on it now, I really think that I was having anxiety attacks. Back then though, I got diagnosed with a mild form of exercise induced asthma. I didn’t play basketball in 8th grade or all through high school.

My point with all of this, is that I was active. I walked and/or rode my bicycle all the time. About 2 years ago, I tried to ride a bicycle, but I didn't have the balance to keep the darn thing up!

I honestly think it'd be easier to have been born not able to walk or be active, than to know now what I am missing.

I'm just thankful that I have made it this long still up and getting around... no matter how bad it is. lol

24 with a walker

Saturday was an emotional day, to say the least!
Brandon and I had a rocky morning and I went to visit my Dad and Nancy. There was a large box in my bedroom. I said, "Ooo, what's in the box?" Nancy answered, "That's your walker." "Oh." I didn't say another word about it while I was there, but when I got back to Brandon's, I broke down.
24 with a walker... when I used to be soooo active.
Brandon kept trying to reassure me, and telling me things like he'd buy one and we'd race them.
Well, Saturday night, as I was eating dinner, I began thinking about it more and I cam to the decision that it might be a good thing at times.
I MISS walking. I used to walk everywhere!
Brandon sometimes goes walking/running at a cemetary near his house. It is a nice place to walk and a lot of people do. So... I was thinking, and if I took the walker, I could go with him! Then, when he is running, I won't have to worry about losing my balance and falling while he is not around... so I think I might like it to get me out of the house and walk.

Down a Dizzy Hallway

As promised.... here is a picture of the Movie Theater carpet, and also a pic of Amanda and I in the awesome 3D glasses.

And btw - Our movie was 3rd theater to last... go figure.

Fish Fry Friday =)

So, my boyfriend, Brandon, belongs to Harrisville Volunteer Fire Company. He is an EMT-Intermediate and a fire fighter. For the past month, the Harrisville Ladies Auxillary (hope I spelled that right) has been putting on Fish Fry's on Fridays to help raise money for them and the fire dept. So, most Fridays I go help from 11-6. I love it because I feel involved and it is something that I am able to do to help.
Because I am so unbalanced, I fall and trip a lot, use people to help me walk, and I "table walk," meaning I use objects to hold on to to get me around.
Everyone involved with the Ladies Auxillary and the Fire Dept. are so nice and helpful. My job at the fish fry's has been to batter the fish before they get fried... which doesn't sound impressive, but I am only stationed to one spot and like I said, it's the fact that I am involved and helping. It makes me feel good. =)

Today, I am leaving the fish fry aroun 15 till 5 to go meet one of my best friends, Amanda, at the movie theaters. We are going to see *Alice in Wonderland* at 5:40. After that, we are going shopping for Rhonda, because her bridal shower is Sunday!
You are probably wondering what this has to do with my ataxia. It doesn't really... except whoever chose the carpet pattern at the movie theater should be fired. LoL. It makes even people without my problems dizzy! It's swirls on red.... I can't explain it, but I'll take a picture tonight and see if I can fi gure out how to post it on this blog.
Anyway, everytime I go to the movies, Rhonda and Amanda tell me not to look at it when I walk. Easy for them to say. I tend to look at the ground a lot, and even when I don't at the theaters, it's still in my peripheral vision and it makes it worse. And to top it off, for some reason almost EVERY movie I see is in the last theater or next to last. If I went to the movies alone, like Hoda, lol, then I'd be like a ping pong ball down the halls. Either that or I'd be crawling, lol.
All I'm saying, is that Carmike Cinema in St. Clairsville, Ohio needs to seriously re-think their carpet choice.

Job? Why don't you just laugh in my face...?

I think I previously forgot to mention that along with my ataxia, I have Left Ventricle Hypertrophy. This means that the left ventricle in my heart is enlarged. I’m on heart pills and regularly see a cardiologist, but I still get chest pains. I get them mainly when I am stressed or anxious. This is why I also take an anti-anxiety pill. Haha.
Speaking of being stressed out, I have been the definition lately, which is really not good on me. You know how hard it is to get a job in this economy? Try being me. It is so much harder. I can’t do a lot of jobs. The ones I can do are rarely available. When there is an opening for something I can do, I have to try to get it over 100 other people... People who can walk and who don’t look like they will be a liability over an asset to the company... People that are, well, better qualified for the job. So here I am, 24 years old, with an associate’s degree in Business Management, being a bum and selling things on eBay in order to pay my bills. Well guess what? I am only 24, so I haven’t accumulated many things, and I ran out of things to sell! That’s probably another reason I am writing this. I can honestly say that I have nothing to do and I actually have a pretty good reason for writing this, awareness.
I actually always wanted to be a writer. I just always saw myself as more of a Chistopher Pike type writer. I love his books. He is why I am such an avid reader. I have moved to books like Harry Potter, the Twilight series, and I love everything by Nicholas Sparks. I think he might have written his latest character, Ronnie, in "The Last Song" based on me. Wouldn’t that be something? But in all seriousness, the character does remind me of myself; kind, compassionate, and a bit emo with purple in her hair. Yup, that’s me!

Great Friends and Family

I just want everyone to know, that while I do have people who stare at me walking, and people who make rude comments and laugh behind my back.... It is the GREAT people in my life who help me get through each day. I love you ALL!

THANKS to my family.... which includes my best friends

What kind of ataxia?

This is the first entry that I'm not copying. I have more that I have previously wrote, but this is on my mind now.

What kind of ataxia do I have? I am so tired of being poked and proded by Doctors! Having people take my blood is like second nature to me. It is all I have known for years. I am currently waiting on results from my neurologist for Fredriechs Ataxia. It is a genetic ataxia in which both of my parents have to carry the gene for. A LOT of it's symptoms and things are me. It doesn't show symptoms until about the age of 15, like me. It causes heart problems, like me. Most people end up in a wheelchair early on, and although I am fighting it, it looks like I could be heading in that direction.

I could have it worse. I could be paralyzed, or fighting cancer,or something to that affect. I try to focus on the point that I am lucky being that I have none of those. I can't help thinking of how active I used to be, and how pretty heels would be on me, and how everytime I have to wear a dress, I have to find flats to go with it. Has anyone ever noticed how they make heels so cute, but finding a cute pair of flat, dressy, shoes is near impossible? This is a reason I wear flip flops all the time as soon as it starts to warm. I feel like they make my outfit cuter, rather than tennis shoes.

I have just been babbling. I might write more later. Everyone have a good day!

Oh, you know what else hurts? When an ex-girlfriend of your boyfriend tells him to break up with you because, well, let’s face it, "she can’t walk or do anything." Do you think that doesn’t cross my mind almost everyday? I think:
What can we do today? Where can we go? Am I good enough for him? Should I break up with him because he obviously deserves much better than me. I don't want to hold him back. Am I enough to keep him around?
That’s the kind of stuff I think about all the time.
The truth is, I believe that he is the one that I am meant to spend my life with. Can I live without him? Probably. Do I want to? Definitely not, and I can honestly say that I am scared to not have him in my life.

2 stories

It is hard having ataxia. I have to rely on other people to help me. I am young, so a walker would be embarrassing. I've had Walmart greeters yell at me as I am leaving for not getting a motorized shopping chair, because "they are for people like me."
It’s especially hard when I am out and notice people watching me. Here, these two experiences of mine are kind of funny, so I’ll share them;
About 4 or 5 years ago, I went to Wheeling Island Gaming Resort (before it was a casino), with my best friend, Bill, his friend, Clayton, and my other good friend, Rhonda. We were leaving, walking in the parking lot to our cars, when a security guy stopped us. He said, "I have suspicion to believe that one of you are drunk, and I want to make sure you aren’t driving." Everyone OF COURSE looked at me and snickered and Bill told the guy, "No sir. I am the only one old enough to drink and we are all sober." He let us go.
Story number 2; my ex-boyfriend, Sean, and I went to Wheeling Island Casino. We were showing our ID’s to the guard to get in and he stopped me. He said, "I’m sorry but I can’t let you in. You are clearly intoxicated." Well, needless to say, this ruined my day. After a few minutes of Sean and me trying to explain, he let me in, telling me I didn’t smell like alcohol. Well duh! That’s because I don’t drink!

Starting...

Well, I started writing down some of my thoughts about a week before my 24th Birthday - February 5th. After reading what I had, my Mom suggested writing a blog (probably so she wouldn't be the only one doing it).
I tend to be sporadic and jumpy with my thoughts, so tomorrow I might write about a subject that I will write about again in a week. Deal with it 0=)
My first few entries are probably just going to be copied from what I already have... with the occasional add or delete.

My name is Chelsea Conley, and I am 24 years old. Technically I am 23, but my birthday is next week.
So, you are sitting there, seeing that I am so young, and wondering, "What on Earth does this ‘child’ think she can teach me?" If you are one of "those people", go ahead, put this down and I’m not making you read it. If you happen to be interested in what I have to say, then please, by all means, continue reading.
I’ve been diagnosed with a form of ataxia. Ataxia causes loss of coordination and balance. In other words, I walk like I am drunk. It’s funny, because I had gone to a chiropractor (before I was diagnosed) and he made the comment, "People pay lots of money to feel the way you do (drunk), and here you are trying to get rid of it." It’s funny, but yet it is also sad, no matter how true it is.
My Mother, Kim, (she hates when I call her mother because it means I am mad at her)… My Mom, Kim, has recently been joining all kinds of awareness groups on Facebook about ataxia. I hadn’t realized that there are actually a lot of people out there that suffer from different forms of this. Because I never realized this, I had never taken the time to think that I am not alone. Ataxia is not very much heard of, so there are many people, like me, who want people to become aware of it.
I’m a shy person. I’m generally very quiet and I often try to stay unnoticed. This is why I kind of find it odd that I am writing this. My mom has always referred to me as her ‘save the whale’ child. Maybe that is why. I tend to be overly compassionate and understanding and I want others to be more understanding of me and people like me.