Alright, I'm not in a good mood.... as you'll be able to tell from reading this.
The more people tell me that I can't do something, the more I'll believe it and won't be able to do it.
If I say I can do something, LET ME DO IT! Don't insist on helping me and then not listening to me when I say something.
I might have balance problems, but that doesn't mean I can't do anything on my own. I want to be able to do things by myself. Let me at least try, and if I need help, then I'll ask.
I'm just frusrated with the fact that there are some people out there who, no matter how much I offer to do something alone, insist on helping me or taking over and doing it themselves. Then they complain that since they are doing that, they don't have time to get other stuff done. I OFFERED TO DO IT BY MYSELF SO LET ME! I am able and I know how... my balance does not affect my intelligence!!! So, don't ask me a million times if I know how to do something as simple as putting a collar on a dog.
I'm not mindless, and I CAN DO THINGS!!!!!!!!!!
GRRRRR........
On a plus note, it's sunny and maybe I can get out to walk soon.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
Laugh
I dont want anyone to think I was trying to put down Brandon. I was giving an example to show that not everyone knows how to act or what to do when something like that happens. Sometimes he handles things great, and others, well, he makes me feel worse. He's not the only one though. No matter how much my friends and family, and I have really great people in my life, no matter how much they think that they will always handle a situation well, there are going to be times, and have been times, when someone is going to make me feel worse.
I LOVE Brandon with all my heart, and I LOVE my family and friends so much it is unreal. It's amazing to me that one person can have such a huge support
system.
My point is, unless I fall and am crying because I am really hurt, I tend to laugh it off so I don't feel so dumb and embarrassed. Laugh WITH me. Not at me, and not if I am hurting, lol, but with me.
I LOVE Brandon with all my heart, and I LOVE my family and friends so much it is unreal. It's amazing to me that one person can have such a huge support
system.
My point is, unless I fall and am crying because I am really hurt, I tend to laugh it off so I don't feel so dumb and embarrassed. Laugh WITH me. Not at me, and not if I am hurting, lol, but with me.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
I haven't really had much on my ataxia to write about lately. I have no recent falls, nothing to say. Well, yesterday, Brandon and I went to books-a-million (the best store EVER) and then we went to target. I was looking at their swim suits when I rolled my ankle. I was pushing the buggy so I had something to hold onto, but my ankle didn't want to hold me up no matter how hard I gripped the buggy, and I more or less ended up sitting down. I think when things like this happen, and result in me sitting on the floor in a store, it embarrasses Brandon. His reaction is almost like "oh no, not again" and he hurriedly tries to get me off of the floor, all the while looking around to see if anyone is watching.
It's not like I intentionally fall in stores. You'd think he almost blames me when I draw attention. I sit there, on the floor, in pain, and he is rushing me to get up. All I am concerned about at the time is making sure my ankle stops so that I CAN get up. I don't need his attitude... I need him to laugh with me so that I don't feel so stupid.
It's not like I intentionally fall in stores. You'd think he almost blames me when I draw attention. I sit there, on the floor, in pain, and he is rushing me to get up. All I am concerned about at the time is making sure my ankle stops so that I CAN get up. I don't need his attitude... I need him to laugh with me so that I don't feel so stupid.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
I recently told you that I got a walker. As my Dad calls it, he bought me a new "sports car". It's a real pretty blue, on 4 wheels, with a bench, basket, and handbrakes! If it had pedals, I'd consider it looking like a bicycle, with the exception of it's length. I'll post pics of it soon =)
Saturday, I went to the Pittsburgh Penguin game with my Dad, Scott, and Janel. I had left my handicap parking thing in Brandon's truck, so we ended up having to park about a half mile away. It was an uphill walk - both ways!! No, just kidding, it only felt like it. It was up hill on the way to the arena and down on the way to the car. So, basically, I walked a mile to and from our seats. Well... I was drug a ways, lol. My legs got tired and my feet started dragging.
Sunday, Brandon picked me up and we went to Walmart (Wally World), and then dropped me back off at Dad's to pick up my car. Brandon and Dad put my walker together, and that night, Brandon and I went to the cemetary to walk. He told me that 3.5 laps around the pond was a mile, and, well, I made it 1 lap =) Hey, it's better than nothing. I got the pretty pictures that I posted on here too! When we were leasving, we chased a beaver but he was camera shy. I want a pic of one!
Monday, my legs hurt soooooooo bad!!!
We went to the cemetary again today and I did a lap. WooHoo! It feels good to be able to go walk, even if it is in a big circle =)
And I do get embarrassed there. At first, I was hesitant to walk because I was worried other people might show up, but I am starting to believe that I am embarrassed by looking so weak infront of Brandon.
When we got back tonight, he cooked me dinner while I played with Lulu and then gave her a bath.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Myself
I’m scared that by being me, by having ataxia and having a hard time finding a job, and by relying on other people, that I not only embarrass myself, but I am embarrassing to my friends and maybe my family. People not only look at me and wonder what I have been drinking, but they look at the people helping me. I’m sure they are just wondering why they are bothering with me.
See, no one thinks of this stuff. No one, not even the people closest to me understands what it is like. No one realizes how depressing it is to be me. I try to be positive. I have to. Without a positive outlook, what do I have? I have to know how to laugh at myself. My laughter hides my tears a lot of time.
See, no one thinks of this stuff. No one, not even the people closest to me understands what it is like. No one realizes how depressing it is to be me. I try to be positive. I have to. Without a positive outlook, what do I have? I have to know how to laugh at myself. My laughter hides my tears a lot of time.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
2001-2006 (in summary)
I was 15 in 2001. It was about a month before school started. I was going to be a sophomore. I mysteriously ended up with mono. (Yes it was mysterious, because even though they call mono the kissing disease, I had not kissed anyone, and I have no idea how I got it, but I had it bad). This might have been the cause of my ataxia. That’s what one of my past neurologists said anyway.
Haha. Funny story that doesn’t have a lot to do with anything, but I don’t want to bore you with my blabber all the time, so I’ll tell you. When I had mono, my Dad, Steve, and Step-Mom, Nancy, were re-doing the kitchen, so we had boxes of stuff, including the microwave, in the living room. I had woken up in the middle of the day hungry. Everyone was at work and I had a cheeseburger from Wendy’s in the fridge. They don’t do it anymore, but at the time Wendy’s wrapped their sandwiches in foil wrappers. See where this is going? I wasn’t thinking and put the cheeseburger in the microwave while it was still in the wrapper. Fire! Haha. It scared me to death! On the plus side, I realized what I had done before it was in there long and it only burnt a hole through the wrapper.
2001 was so fun for me, NOT! I don’t remember having mono anymore, but it was maybe a week before school started and I was at my Dad’s alone, and I had a new inhaler. You’ve probably seen the commercials for it. It’s a purple disk, Advair. Anyway, it’s full of steroids. Wondering why this matters? I used the inhaler and it put me on the floor in the living room, unable to move without my chest killing me with pain. My mom was the only one I could get a hold of, 20 minutes away, and she rushed there and found me in the same spot on the floor gasping for breath. Needless to say that I was taken to the ER where they found out I had a heart problem. Heart problems and steroids don’t mix.
They thought I had WPW, Wolf Parkinson White, which is an extra nerve or something in the heart and blah blah. They did a heart catheterization with the intentions of getting rid of the extra nerve and "fixing" me. In order to do this, I was of course out of it with anesthetic; they had to get my heart to race like it does when I have chest pains. Two or three times they had my heart racing to the point where they couldn’t get it to slow down and they had to use the paddles on me. And then, as if not fixing me wasn’t bad enough, I threw up all night and was in bed for a week because I had such a hard time coming out of the anesthesia. I couldn’t even open my eyes until the next day.
So they finally found out I have left ventricle hypertrophy and I went through all that crap for nothing. (I swear I was having anxiety attacks that caused this) I think they can fix this. I have heard something about alcohol burning the excess muscle or something.
Back to my ataxia. I don’t even remember when it started. I went to all of my high school homecomings and proms, in high heels I might add! I just thought I sucked at walking in heels. I think that was my problem my freshman, sophomore, and maybe my junior year. Senior year I knew something was wrong because I was scared of the steps and nervous about falling all the time, not just when I wore heels. I made it through graduation in heels without any incidents! I was so proud of myself! I graduated from high school in May 2004.
In September of 2004, I started at a technical college to obtain my degree in Business Management (even though writing and photography are my passions). This is where I met my best friend, Bill. I met a lot of great people.
I had to teach myself how to play euchre though because everyone played and no one would teach. I turned out to be a pretty great euchre player, if I do say so myself.
I graduated in 2006 with my associates in business management.
In 2005 I went to the beach with one of my best friends from high school and two new friends. This was the place of my first and last hangover, and the place where I realized that it’s easy to fall for a jerk if you are at the beach. Haha. I made new friends, and new memories, and I can tell you that I fell coming out of out hotel one night on our way to a club, and a ton of people saw my underwear (I was wearing a skirt). I learned that I can’t go into the ocean past my ankles or I’ll never get out. With my balance messed up, I went out to my waist and had the hardest time getting back in. We’ll just say that I drank a lot of water and spent the rest of my time in a chair at the waters edge.
Up until 2005 or 2006, everything was bearable. I got around pretty good and I was able to work at a retail store. I had a normal life. I went out with friends and even though I have only drank a few times; I am good at acting stupid, so I got along with drunks good. I just never expected to one day walk like I am drunk most of the time too.
Haha. Funny story that doesn’t have a lot to do with anything, but I don’t want to bore you with my blabber all the time, so I’ll tell you. When I had mono, my Dad, Steve, and Step-Mom, Nancy, were re-doing the kitchen, so we had boxes of stuff, including the microwave, in the living room. I had woken up in the middle of the day hungry. Everyone was at work and I had a cheeseburger from Wendy’s in the fridge. They don’t do it anymore, but at the time Wendy’s wrapped their sandwiches in foil wrappers. See where this is going? I wasn’t thinking and put the cheeseburger in the microwave while it was still in the wrapper. Fire! Haha. It scared me to death! On the plus side, I realized what I had done before it was in there long and it only burnt a hole through the wrapper.
2001 was so fun for me, NOT! I don’t remember having mono anymore, but it was maybe a week before school started and I was at my Dad’s alone, and I had a new inhaler. You’ve probably seen the commercials for it. It’s a purple disk, Advair. Anyway, it’s full of steroids. Wondering why this matters? I used the inhaler and it put me on the floor in the living room, unable to move without my chest killing me with pain. My mom was the only one I could get a hold of, 20 minutes away, and she rushed there and found me in the same spot on the floor gasping for breath. Needless to say that I was taken to the ER where they found out I had a heart problem. Heart problems and steroids don’t mix.
They thought I had WPW, Wolf Parkinson White, which is an extra nerve or something in the heart and blah blah. They did a heart catheterization with the intentions of getting rid of the extra nerve and "fixing" me. In order to do this, I was of course out of it with anesthetic; they had to get my heart to race like it does when I have chest pains. Two or three times they had my heart racing to the point where they couldn’t get it to slow down and they had to use the paddles on me. And then, as if not fixing me wasn’t bad enough, I threw up all night and was in bed for a week because I had such a hard time coming out of the anesthesia. I couldn’t even open my eyes until the next day.
So they finally found out I have left ventricle hypertrophy and I went through all that crap for nothing. (I swear I was having anxiety attacks that caused this) I think they can fix this. I have heard something about alcohol burning the excess muscle or something.
Back to my ataxia. I don’t even remember when it started. I went to all of my high school homecomings and proms, in high heels I might add! I just thought I sucked at walking in heels. I think that was my problem my freshman, sophomore, and maybe my junior year. Senior year I knew something was wrong because I was scared of the steps and nervous about falling all the time, not just when I wore heels. I made it through graduation in heels without any incidents! I was so proud of myself! I graduated from high school in May 2004.
In September of 2004, I started at a technical college to obtain my degree in Business Management (even though writing and photography are my passions). This is where I met my best friend, Bill. I met a lot of great people.
I had to teach myself how to play euchre though because everyone played and no one would teach. I turned out to be a pretty great euchre player, if I do say so myself.
I graduated in 2006 with my associates in business management.
In 2005 I went to the beach with one of my best friends from high school and two new friends. This was the place of my first and last hangover, and the place where I realized that it’s easy to fall for a jerk if you are at the beach. Haha. I made new friends, and new memories, and I can tell you that I fell coming out of out hotel one night on our way to a club, and a ton of people saw my underwear (I was wearing a skirt). I learned that I can’t go into the ocean past my ankles or I’ll never get out. With my balance messed up, I went out to my waist and had the hardest time getting back in. We’ll just say that I drank a lot of water and spent the rest of my time in a chair at the waters edge.
Up until 2005 or 2006, everything was bearable. I got around pretty good and I was able to work at a retail store. I had a normal life. I went out with friends and even though I have only drank a few times; I am good at acting stupid, so I got along with drunks good. I just never expected to one day walk like I am drunk most of the time too.
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